It dawned on me recently…
That I might be the world’s greatest hypocrite. Well, not greatest, surely, but I rank up there. As I am zeroing in on the close of 2017, I, like so many others are in deep review of what my past year accomplished, or failed to accomplish as it may be. This in itself is a hypocrisy for me, as my spirit longs to just BE here on this planet, rather than DO here. It turns out, I have a wicked strong ego. And egos like to DO. They like to set goals, accomplish them, beat themselves up when they don’t and rinse, recycle, repeat.
2017 was a stellar year for me as far as ego. I sold three properties, bought one, ran a highly intensive opiate addiction practice, started this blog, saw my own clients, and managed to turn 50. I have my health, my family, and my friends who care for me. I don’t want for anything. I am grateful for everything. But when I look deep, I turn and face my Spirit. And I find, she is not at peace. And more than anything, I have always believed I wanted inner peace.
But, do I? Really?
When I look for root cause of what knocks me out of alignment, I can name things easily enough. Poor eating habits. Too little exercise. Menopause and it’s daily madness. Being an empath. Being the mother of two teenage daughters. Sadness for my own species, who seems to struggle so deeply between being a beast or an angel on any given day.
It’s not that I don’t try for peace. Its not that I haven’t achieved it, at times. I have touched pure connection, and been touched by it. I know what it feels like. It is not a foreign thing to me. It’s just elusive.
Have you ever noticed how many digital stickies or blogs there are telling you what to do to be at peace with yourself? Along the line, I have done the same. Just look at an old social media post or chat with my clients. I thought I had all the answers about what real peace was based on. Since I was twenty, I have read ALOT of books that opened my mind to amazing things. I went out and learned and experienced the addictive affects of meditation, yoga, loop breathing, kundalini, shaktipat. And I recommend it to all who seek. There are answers on those paths. But since I am a hypocrite, I can’t preach it to you. I haven’t been able to sustain those experiences.
When I look to the pathways offer inner peace, discipline is usually central to any of their core practices.
Buddha encourages non attachment to, well, anything. To be attached to a universe that is in constant flux is masochistic. Discipline your desire.
Christ encourages self sacrifice and service. To love others and care for them is all that matters. Discipline to serve.
Pagans look to the Nature Gods for answers and balance. Accept the dark and light within ourselves and make offerings to keep the peace between the two. Discipline your place.
Yogic traditions use breath and movement to align the chakras and restore inner harmony. Discipline your body and breathwork.
Jewish Mysticism offers puzzles to unravel the mysteries of the human soul, and its journey to God and ultimately, God’s journey to experience itself. Discipline your mind.
The Drug and Alcohol Gods offer false escapism with a one way path to purgatory. Discipline your cravings.
The Ego recommends domination but at what cost? Discipline your entitlement.
Someone once said to me, “if you don’t have what you want, you must not want it bad enough.” I know manifesting any desire takes discipline. Even witches need discipline. I am a master manifester. Obviously I have discipline. For things I want.
So I am left at the end of 2017 with just one question – could inner peace be eluding me because I don’t WANT it bad enough? Huh. I really thought I did.
We shall see.
Come 2018, we have a self discovery journey ahead of us.