Full Circle

You got lost in your travels and a spiritual book
Mistook beaches for nirvana in the way that they look
And the crooks that run the island are killing to keep earning
They’re burning seven tons of plastic and it seems to be working
Is that the best
That I
Can do?
As I watch
As your head
Turns full circle
You appear even-tempered though your looks will deceive
And the sparks are always flying ’cause you drink for relief
With the heart of a child and the wit of a fool
It’s a wonder why I don’t try to build a wall around you



In 2005, I had the honor of working with two exceptional healers (who were so etheric in vibration I am still not sure if they were of this earth).  I was managing a local spa and we decided to hold a Reiki I class for patrons and staff. They were massage therapists there and offered to train.

I had no idea that my life was about to change. Forever.

I had been the recipient of Reiki healing on many occasions going back as far as 1987 and had positive results every time. Different each round, but amazing none the less.  It not only addresses physical discomforts, but emotional and spiritual issues as well.  It has the ability to fine tune your frequency with what seems minimal effort.  Most intriguing, whatever you are seeking help with, it tends to go in an entirely different direction.

Energy work knows best of what we need.

Without belaboring the details of that incredible weekend, the result for me was a Saktipat experience.  Saktipat is a eastern spiritual concept that creates a pure divinity / universal consciousness transference from teacher to student.

“It cannot be imposed by force, nor can a receiver make it happen,” This concept is important. More important than we realize which I will touch on in a bit.

The end result of Saktipat is illumination. An instant understanding, well, of  everything really, without analysis or thoughts. It is a wholeness, a non separation and therefore not subject to comparisons. It is complete love, for the entire universe grand and the smallest of details in the micro. It is not romantic or erotic, though it has a component of ecstatic. Complete compassion, but not empathy ladened with heights of feelings in any direction.

Peace. Bliss. Contenment. Acceptance. Purity.

Difficult to capture in words, and hence why it can’t really be taught in a class, a book, or sought after on a path of self-discovery.

It just happens. Or. It does not.

The experience lasted for months, but eventually started to recede, and my human ego, will, and emotions came forward.  It was subtle shift of consciousness. I suspect had I been more evolved when it happened, I might have sustained it indefinitely.

What was sustained, was the understanding of difference between that state and the one we usually walk around in; the one that causes so much havoc in our lives and on the planet.  That experience is at the root of how I navigate life, even though I don’t “feel” it daily.

As I said, it’s not an experience that can be forced.  I can’t help but wonder about the increased acceptance of Eastern philosophies into Westernized culture and how the two shall truly meet on the road when they are opposite in intention.
Our country was forged on willfullness and manifest destiny.  We are goal oriented, success driven. We conquer interior and exterior and bend to our will.  We THINK about everything we are doing. We ANALYZE. We PLAN. We MANIFEST.
We are  told we can become anything we want. We can drive ourselves to greatness if we just work hard enough.  We can overcome trauma and drama and free ourselves through yoga practice, clean eating, meditation, and running wild with the wolves.
During a recent meditation with friends, I suddenly felt the Saktipat experience again. It was brief, but enough to help me remember something I had forgotten from the original experience.  Something that was the most critical thing to remember; we can’t make this a goal to achieve.
During our class, working corresponding tarot cards to certain sephiroth in the Tree of Life, I realized that we were deep in action.  We were doing something trying to get somewhere.  It is the very ACT of searching or wanting for something that is in the opposite direction of the ART of Beingness.
And therefore these self discovery roads with goals and intentions, even the ones that seem most healthy for us and leave us feeling connected while on the mat,  at the altar, in the studio, or climbing the mountain do not sustain idefinitely. We have to keep filling the well.
That nirvana state I experienced in 2005  was not an action state. It wasn’t a verb.   I fell into it and stayed for months witout lifitng a finger, or deepening my breath, or listening to singing bowls, or calling up the elements, or making love, or helping someone in need.
It isn’t about taking the time to stop and smell the roses. It’s about recognizing that you are The Rose, in every breath. Presence in every moment.
It is our very westernized will of maverickness, our goal setting, our need to achieve, our fight with time and aging to get the to do list done, that keeps us from knowing what we already truly are;  a perfect natural state of being that wants for nothing and is  completely at peace with non-existence of our vessel at some point.
We need recognize we are not our personalities or achievements, our idiosyncracies, or our passions or aversions.  We are not our partners or our children or their lives.  We are not our work or even our gifts and talents.  We are not our choices.  These are expressions of our mind, expressions of our Id, expressions of our ego, expressions of our flight or fight primal natures.   We can’t ignore these things obviously, they are how we survive and relate on this earth.
But they are not what we ARE.
Our goal to know God to give us answers, our goal to build, advance, create, conquer, achieve, succeed – these are all actions to destinations we are compelled to reach by our primal natures of survival.
We don’t realize how deeply ingrained our survival extinct is.  We are driven to find a way to cheat death either by extending our lives, by creating immortal structures of art and cities that reflect our personalities and intentions, or by seeking answers of the “afterlife”.
We will never find what we are looking for, not these ways.
We are perpetual hungry ghosts.
These goals all have comparison roads that go with their attainment. And where there is the ability to compare, there is the ability to not be whole. You will either be something, or you won’t. You will achieve, or you will fail. These roads lead to heightened feelings.
And feelings are subject to waxing and waning.  Immortal is opposite of dead. Suffering is opposite of Pleasure. As long as we push and pull ourselves in our journey in small and large ways between these two poles, we will struggle. We will be happy for only moments. And then we won’t be.
And on our death bed, we will find ourselves saying, “if only I had just done something more.”
The fact that we are “looking” for something in any of these goals in and of itself is keeping us from BEINGNESS.
The state of being that I experienced was neither one or the other. It was not affected by the tiny dramas that humans egos have created on this planet.  It did not know fear or pain.  It only knew connection and an absolute love for all.  And that all was not so big, and yet as big as all that exists at the same time
It was the purest place I have ever been.  A place I recognize now has been with me all along.
I just forget.  I get pulled between the poles.  We all do.   My bigger error was I have been trying to get back to the experience ever since.  I have felt sad or angry at times when I couldn’t recreate it.  I have drank too much to suffer that disconnection no more. I have hurt myself and others while in search of.
I can get on with my life now.  In a wholly different way.   The journey has come full circle for me.  I can stop looking for that experience now. I can stop setting goals and things to achieve before I die.
I prefer to simply BE.
And, look, I am already here. 

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